Paul in Venus
A couple of people in the comments picked up on my mentioning Paul on Venus. I thought you might like some excerpts from the show...
the full transcript is here
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam278.html
NICHOLAS PARSONS: And Paul we’d like you to begin the next round, flying saucers, 60 seconds, starting now.
PAUL MERTON: Well a flying saucer landed in my back garden about 19 years ago, and I got on it and went to the planet Venus. And it’s true because I’ve got photographs here of me standing on that particular planet. And anybody who says that this is false can come outside and I’ll give them a damn good fight! Because I was trapped on that particular orb in space for years! I tried, benee, speaking to the Venusians and said "look it’s not my fault I’m here, I was kidnapped by one of your people." They said "it’s got nothing to do with us, it could have been anybody they picked up. We had Winston Churchill about 30 years ago. And before that Sir Stanley Matthews, the wizard of the wing, spent a fortnight on this very surface." I thought well, I’m very proud to be in such august company. And they said "so you should be and all! What do you want for your dinner?" I said "well what have you got?" They said "well, we can offer you fish cakes if that’s not too fantastic for you." I thought it’s quite an extraordinary concept, the idea of eating that particular meal out here this far away from the Earth where I originally came from. They said "look do you want it or not?" I said "well fine". So at that point they produced a doner kebab which to my, to all intents and purposes was completely cold. I said "why is this not served up hot?" They said "we got it from a shop in Highgate and it’s a long way away to bring it all the way from that particular part of North London to where we’re standing now." I said "okay, I’ll go along with that, what have you got to drink?" They said "well we’ve got Whatney’s Red Barrel." I said "oh that is just too fantastic because nobody outside of the..."
WHISTLE
HUGE APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: At last...
PM: It’s all true!
NP: I know! Fantastically true! And just to prove that fantasy works, and you’re the greatest exponent of it that I know, well done Paul. Because that, actually, I took the whistle away from Liz and let you go on for one minute 20 seconds!
and later on......
NP: Yes, 42 seconds, an English country garden starting now Paul.
PM: There’s nothing I like better than walking through an English country garden...
BUZZ
NP: Derek you challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Vandalism!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: He did not establish Derek...
DN: If he’s walking through an English country garden, he’d be walking over the plants!
NP: Most English country gardens have paths, so you can still walk through on the paths. He didn’t establish he was walking through the flower beds.
DN: Oh I see, a lawn is a garden?
NP: It’s part of the garden and in most gardens you can walk on the lawns as well. So he wasn’t being a vandal, but it was a lovely challenge. Give him a bonus, go on! He loves getting his points. But Paul also gets a point for being interrupted, keeps the subject, 38 seconds, an English country garden starting now.
PM: I meander through the rose bushes with heavy boots on and kick them out of the ground! Because I can’t stand these plants! What are they doing there? What’s wrong with old fashioned concrete! It’s easy to look after, you just mix it up, pour it out of a bucket on the floor, that’s all you need...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: He’s not talking about the gardens any more, he’s talking about hardcore as in motorways.
and later on.....
NP: So Paul you have cones back with you, 23 seconds starting now.
PM: I remember when I was growing up in Merseyside, there was nothing I liked better than to go down to the streets, pick up the cones and suck the ice cream...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: He didn’t grow up in Merseyside! It’s well documented where he grew up!
NP: Yes! In your fantasy world you may have grown up there but we know you didn’t.
PM: So where did I grow up?
DN: He spent 19 years on Venus!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
PM: Well it made a change from Merseyside!
the full transcript is here
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam278.html
NICHOLAS PARSONS: And Paul we’d like you to begin the next round, flying saucers, 60 seconds, starting now.
PAUL MERTON: Well a flying saucer landed in my back garden about 19 years ago, and I got on it and went to the planet Venus. And it’s true because I’ve got photographs here of me standing on that particular planet. And anybody who says that this is false can come outside and I’ll give them a damn good fight! Because I was trapped on that particular orb in space for years! I tried, benee, speaking to the Venusians and said "look it’s not my fault I’m here, I was kidnapped by one of your people." They said "it’s got nothing to do with us, it could have been anybody they picked up. We had Winston Churchill about 30 years ago. And before that Sir Stanley Matthews, the wizard of the wing, spent a fortnight on this very surface." I thought well, I’m very proud to be in such august company. And they said "so you should be and all! What do you want for your dinner?" I said "well what have you got?" They said "well, we can offer you fish cakes if that’s not too fantastic for you." I thought it’s quite an extraordinary concept, the idea of eating that particular meal out here this far away from the Earth where I originally came from. They said "look do you want it or not?" I said "well fine". So at that point they produced a doner kebab which to my, to all intents and purposes was completely cold. I said "why is this not served up hot?" They said "we got it from a shop in Highgate and it’s a long way away to bring it all the way from that particular part of North London to where we’re standing now." I said "okay, I’ll go along with that, what have you got to drink?" They said "well we’ve got Whatney’s Red Barrel." I said "oh that is just too fantastic because nobody outside of the..."
WHISTLE
HUGE APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: At last...
PM: It’s all true!
NP: I know! Fantastically true! And just to prove that fantasy works, and you’re the greatest exponent of it that I know, well done Paul. Because that, actually, I took the whistle away from Liz and let you go on for one minute 20 seconds!
and later on......
NP: Yes, 42 seconds, an English country garden starting now Paul.
PM: There’s nothing I like better than walking through an English country garden...
BUZZ
NP: Derek you challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Vandalism!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: He did not establish Derek...
DN: If he’s walking through an English country garden, he’d be walking over the plants!
NP: Most English country gardens have paths, so you can still walk through on the paths. He didn’t establish he was walking through the flower beds.
DN: Oh I see, a lawn is a garden?
NP: It’s part of the garden and in most gardens you can walk on the lawns as well. So he wasn’t being a vandal, but it was a lovely challenge. Give him a bonus, go on! He loves getting his points. But Paul also gets a point for being interrupted, keeps the subject, 38 seconds, an English country garden starting now.
PM: I meander through the rose bushes with heavy boots on and kick them out of the ground! Because I can’t stand these plants! What are they doing there? What’s wrong with old fashioned concrete! It’s easy to look after, you just mix it up, pour it out of a bucket on the floor, that’s all you need...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: He’s not talking about the gardens any more, he’s talking about hardcore as in motorways.
and later on.....
NP: So Paul you have cones back with you, 23 seconds starting now.
PM: I remember when I was growing up in Merseyside, there was nothing I liked better than to go down to the streets, pick up the cones and suck the ice cream...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: He didn’t grow up in Merseyside! It’s well documented where he grew up!
NP: Yes! In your fantasy world you may have grown up there but we know you didn’t.
PM: So where did I grow up?
DN: He spent 19 years on Venus!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
PM: Well it made a change from Merseyside!
Labels: JAM transcripts
posted by Dean | 10:27 am
1 Comments:
brilliant!
comedy in its purest stream of consciousness form.
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